New Year's Changes

Well, a new year has arrived and many people are looking to change their lives in so many ways. I hear about life, love, the pursuit of happiness and all of the pitfalls along the way on a regular basis. I felt it might be important to discuss how people actually change.

The reality is people don't change easily. Most people go to therapists, psychologists and/or medical doctors because they feel there is actually a magic pill (in some cases literally a pill) which will help them change what they are doing or in some cases who they are. One of the most difficult periods in therapy is when we have to dispel the myth and let them in on the guarded secret.

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IT TAKES HARD WORK TO CHANGE. Surprisingly, people often become frustrated to hear this news. One of the mottos at our office is "Dare to Change". I like this because it implies it takes a risk and is something most people don't do. It also reinforces that people are in control of their change. Obviously, this is something I feel is very important.

A question asked on a regular basis by the clients who are grieving the loss of the belief in the magic pill is, why? Why aren't we able to change easily? It seems easy on TV, someone has an epiphany or comes to their senses and wham, change takes place and people ride off into the sunset, the killer sees the error in their ways, the cheater realizes the harm they are doing and they are forever changed never to offend again. This really is fairy dust fodder. People don't change easily, if at all, for a very good reason – if we had the ability to change with ease we would be more unstable than we are now. Our moods and thoughts would be all over the place. The reality is we have to be resistant to change in order to maintain our sanity. We are physically designed to resist quick changes. The fact is – the 5lbs you gained over this holiday season will actually fall off all by itself if you just give it a couple of weeks but what really causes the weight gain is a pattern of eating people allow themselves into during the holidays. It takes a few months of heavy eating to pack to pounds on for good - work.

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What actually leads to change? This is the tricky one. Most people don't want to hear the answer. Pain – we hear "no pain, no gain" all of the time but really it does have its place in this discussion. The formula is, people change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain and difficulty of changing. There is a tipping point people reach where they find themselves needing to change. Then the potential for change has occurred. This still doesn't mean change will actually takes place. Unfortunately, there are some other factors – willingness and an experience of success with change in the past. Too often people reach their potential for change but still don't make the needed change because they are unwilling or don't believe they can. This is where therapy is actually helpful. We help people believe they can change or help them discover the reasons why they really don't want to. There are many people who have a crisis like a heart attack and still continue to eat poorly, smoke etc. because ultimately they do not believe they can change or are often proving a point to people in their lives, regardless of the consequences.

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Change usually happens when opportunity meets willingness and willingness doesn't meet resistance. So if you really want to make changes in the upcoming year focus on the things in year life which are really causing you some pain – get your work boots on and attack the problem head on. And don't forget to ask for some help if you need it.

About the Author

Tushar Virani